What’s the denominator?

I was hanging on the phone just a minute ago hearing the familiar laugh, familiar concerns and the familiar tone over the next line. Yes, she was ledyl, my batchmate in each school I was enrolled, from grade school to college. We were friends for more than half of our lives shared so many memories, like laughter, excitements, kilig moments, sadness and heartaches. We were updating the latest events of our life, her travel to cebu, her recent board examination, her recent heart status and the state of her mind. It is still clear how we vow to be friends forever. It was December 1994 when we did commit to each other to be such. Actually, it was four of us Shyk, Me, Ledyl and Jemma. Many envied our friendship because they could not think that we can be with each other despite the strong personalities we had. Shyk, is the most outspoken of all. She had fair skin and cute and erotic little eyes. She is the most graceful among the four of us and she always goes to trouble for few of her admirers were lesbians. Ledyl, is the opposite of Shyk. She was timidly shy and won’t argue if we will be put to discussion instead would find possible easiest solution to our arguments and confusions. Jemma is the clown of the group. Her jokes were timely and you will laugh till your mouth can’t take but she aggressive and demonstrative. While I, myself has the strongest personality among us. Being stubborn, bully and I really go out my way even if it would take all against mine. But our common denominator, we love the spotlight; all of us are performers and an artists. This is the connection that no one can take us.

The last time we gathered was the night after I took my board exam. We planned to get together so that we can updates with what happen to some of us after the last reunion we had last March. As expected, close friends comes, our other boy friends, and Ledyl’s new man. Again and again, we laugh to our silliness and memories from grade school to college. Nothings change except that Shyk could not share it with us because is very busy working outside our city. We still call each other “pahak” even if none of us has it. But in the middle of talking we stop and sensing each one if the connection still works.

If I am to assess, there a lot of change that had occurred in between us. We were no longer the cute little girls in 3-sisters, the daring teenagers and the sassy stylish kolehiya. We are now women in bloom as other call us. But there are still lacking in the descriptions. I don’t know what it is. If you see us, we still laugh till our inner organ would come out not minding if there are other people will see us, when we talk, the race is still there as if we want to finish the race one after the other.

But seeing where our lives now, well maybe you can understand the missing description of our life. Shyk now is working as a call center agent at Makati for 4 years now. Jemma and Ledyl are payroll clerks of two of the competing leading banana company in our city while I am an ordinary resigned employee of a small institution. Who could have thought we will end our colorful life in this ordinary silent lifestyle? Is it really silent or simply silently suffering the games of life?

Shyk marriage is never a successful as what she had carefully planned like every perfect dance step that she managed to fit in every new danceable music she encountered. Nor a good story to write and edit in the previous newspaper company she was employed. But a marriage in strong storms that she had to cover up not to harm an innocent. Jemma on the other hand is also tired of computing the salary of other people and sensing this is enough for what they deserves whereas hers is not as decent to the hard work she had given off. She is also in a relationship where she pretends to be happy and contented but in reality she was just covering the pain with the joy of having the laugh of her son. Ledyl on the other hand is still covering the lost years of her so-so mission abroad for which as she commented that make her loose her senses towards her dreams. And I am, nursing my wounded heart and dreams which I resent to accept up to the present.

We still have the same denominator for our story. It is no longer the things we used to share when we were young. No longer the prestige of being in the spot light nor the sense of fulfillment whenever we had gone through a heart beating excitement whenever an event is through. This is something hard to explain and hard to understand. You see us smiling and our lips speak of the happiness we wanted to dwell. You see us loving and our heart beats of the love we could give freely and openly without asking in return. You could see in our eyes the passion for life and yet fate favors the other way around.

This denominator is emptiness.

I find it hard to understand why no matter what I do and would do there are still lacking. No matter how hard I try to let go and move on, I am succumb by this feeling and I don’t know where to start filling it. And of all the plans I outlined for the next few years of my life there are still missing details to be considered.

Sad but true that up to know, I still don’t know what I want in life until this emptiness is filled.

If this could rated in the colors of the rainbow, this is INDIGO.